From Hero to Zero

A boss once told me that I had the tendency to go from hero to zero in a day; sometimes even within a conversation.

Her words have stuck with me all these years - just like in the movie 'Inside Out 2' - it has become a string that has shaped my core identity. I've gone from hero to zero in a day more than the average person uses the restroom.

Today was no exception.

And I don't even know where to start.

Every time my pen touches the paper, I remember an earlier event. 

Then, I remember an even earlier one.

Then, another.

What's ironic is that I never remember waking up being a zero.

But I always go to bed feeling like one.

Everyday, I wake up with intentions.
Instead, I argued with emails, folded laundry, and cried in the 2 minutes I could spare alone (in the shower, in my car, in my closet) while checking a bank account that reminded me I’m working 3 jobs and still not ‘winning.’

I open my laptop with the hope of creating something meaningful.
But instead I just stare at the screen. Paralyzed. Not knowing what to do next.

And then - like a friendly reminder - I hear the words whispering in my head ‘from hero to zero’. I always choose hero; but I seldom get there.

It’s the small, invisible undoings, like

• The passive-aggressive email I re-read 5 times, just to convince myself I didn’t deserve it
  
  
• The task I didn’t finish, and now my brain is whispering ‘you’re slipping, you’re a fraud, they’re going to find out’ (people call this imposter syndrome - but is it? Or am I truly not good?)
  
  
• The client I over-delivered for, hoping they’d finally see my value, only to be met with disappointment
  
  
• The guilt of being short with my daughters, even though I’m the only one holding everything together
  
  

The world sees the hero.
The spreadsheets, the detailed decks, the over-committed calendar, the shoes.

But no one sees the zero.
When I tuck myself into bed at night next to a man who loves me deeply, but who I keep pushing away, because deep down I believe he deserves better.
My final thought of the day is typically: ‘Maybe if I could just hold it together better… maybe then I’d be enough.’

I’m not writing this to wrap it in a bow. Or give some philosophical lesson. Lord knows I’m far from qualified.
And no, there’s no 3-step healing tip at the end. I’m not qualified for that either.

I’m just saying that
If you’ve ever gone from hero to zero in the span of a single day…
If you’ve ever doubted yourself because you feel like too much and not enough at the same time…

 If you’ve ever laid in bed and thought, ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ 

‘Why am I so broken?’

There’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s just a system that benefits from you always over-performing.A belief that says your worth is in your productivity.
A pattern that calls your burnout ‘bad attitude.’ (or ‘hot head’ - I’ve been called many things)
A culture that claps when you overfunction… and goes quiet when you crumble.

So, what’s the lesson here? I don’t know. 

I just know that I get to try again tomorrow.

I’ll wake up a hero. 

And I’ll go to bed a zero.

‍